Monday, March 13, 2006

I got a comment from laydee hernewich asking if I was still chanting?

I took this to be a polite enquiry as to why there was not al ot happening on the page over the past week or so. Interestingly the lack of blog is not an indication of lakc of things happening to talk about, rather the opposite, so much going on that there is no time to stop and think, or rather to reflect. The blog is a great place to set down thoughts, release rant, and throw things out into the ether to see what bounces back.

I am in heavy active reflective mode (as well as theoretical mode) as I was at the big school Thu-Sat last week. 3 days residential, away from the family, more grub than you can shake a very large fork at and people accepting of my particular stream of consciousness thinking. In fact the noticing and commenting and reflecting is actively encouraged. My Triumph motorbike driving professor, said that we should take the opportunity to “honour” the quality of the conversations that we have on our AMOC get togethers.

Have to admit that the conversations one has at home, in the pub on Tuesday night, at work in the office, with passing drivers on the daily commute are not of the same nature. Not that that makes them bad in any way – just there does seem a need for me to outpour on occasion. This usually happens when the night extends out and the alcohol is present.

My Lenten denial is going to plan – i.e. 40 days and 40 nights without alcohol, except when its Tuesday night or when its AMOC. SO far that has meant only 3 days out of the last week have been dry!!

Probably the biggest influence on the whole blog-down-time was the weekend previous when I got about 1 hour to myself in the course of 4 days. Purely by accident the missus was going out on the Friday night, out all day Saturday, out till 2pm on Sunday and then in need of a sleep until about 5, and then out on the Monday night. I don’t count the period after lights out when the kids are down for the night, because this is inevitably tidy up the mess, wash the dishes (that don’t ift in the dish washer), do the laundry, hoover the mess, relay the mouse traps (yes, we have a mouse or mice who like to visit my wife in the evenings – she is very vocal in her discomfort and that does have an affect on my ability to get off to sleep if by some miracle I am in bed before midnight) and generally sort things out for the next day.

I managed to notice (whilst in the maelstrom of frustration) that it is not about tiredness it is about feeling trapped and not having any time to let thoughts settle, no time to find a bit of personal space. The cycle is one of growing frustration then anger and after that depression. Not very healthy and I do need to find some way of subverting this cycle.

I have to say that all the thinking and reading and “what the xxxx does that mean”ing which the course is throwing up has brought me to this nice cyclical view point. The need is therefore to create or enable a secondary order of change to assist the better functioning of my beleaguered brain.

I am going to have a chat with the boss to see if I can find some new ways of working – from home every now and again, from the library, from across the road, from a distance, from a trapeze, from a view to a kill – which can try

The basic Buddhist tenet of changing yourself to change the environment that surrounds you, the Donne-ian view “no man is an island” and the Ghandi-ian view of “be the change you want to see” seems to be the appropriate one here. Change the way I do things to change the environment around me.

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